A harsh reality

I was getting some paperwork together to re-adopt Amanda in this country since I did not go to China. The following is her "certificate of abandonment" every child in China needs in order to be adopted. Every week the newspaper posts pictures of all the children abandoned in case one of them was not truly abandoned. In Amanda's advertisement, there were several children with cleft lips, so it is an issue in China. Here is the wording:

This is hereby to certify that Dang Xueru was abandoned at north Yanzhai Village, Wangluo Town, Xiangcheng County on May 28, 2007. The baby girl was sent to Xuchang Social welfare Institute by the police of Wangluo Town Police Station of Xiangcheng Public Security Bureau on May 28, 2007. Dang Xueru's biological parents have not been found up to now, so it is identified and confirmed that she is an abandoned baby.

Honestly, that is about the saddest paragraph I have ever read. It really describes the plight of the orphan. That was her past, thankfully it is not her future.

Every girl needs a big brother...

In the future, this one will make sure that those teenage boys stay far away from you. He will make sure that you are protected and cared for. He will chase you around the house and let you tackle him just so that he can hear you giggle. You can snuggle with this one and he won't mind. He's your big brother.





In the future, this one will make sure that wherever you move, your house will always have all it's repairs done in a timely matter. He will be the one who wants to play with you ALL THE TIME because you're more his size. He will annoy you and get in your face way too often. But, he loves you in his own way. He's your big brother.




This brother (seen with his Nana Benson) will always notice you mostly when you're crying right now. Since you have no way of interacting with him verbally, he sees past you almost. This one will always be the "I have a brother who is..." Eventually, you'll see the precious things God has put in him, but for now, he's a kid you really can't figure out.

You have joined a family with three brothers. May God give you grace!

Today was a good day

Today was a much better day than yesterday when I boo hooed a lot to Brett on the phone about being overwhelmed. Yesterday ended with a team meeting to get Amanda speech therapy services. They were exclaiming how adorable she was and how personable. They noticed too that she was very quick in imitating. All things I needed to hear since I get a lot of whining from her and to be honest, it sucks the life right out of me. I needed that encouragement. The speech therapist asked her to open her mouth and she did it no problem. She then continued to do it every time he looked at her as if she knew "this is the guy who wants to look inside my mouth". I was able to tell them exactly where she was with oral sensitivities since I have been down that road before. I was already doing the things I needed to do in order to get her less orally sensitive since I've already done all that once before. Her whining is that she knows what she wants and doesn't have the communication skills yet to tell us.

Today, we got her to say "mama". I don't think she associates it with me yet, but she is trying to imitate. I am seeing how a youngest child, aka "star of the family" gets born. It's because they have all these people who think everything they do is the cutest little thing. She definitely has her fan club. There were a lot of squeezy hugs from her today and an overall nice attitude. Still a lot of whining, but not as much hitting, so we take what we can get. All in all a better day. The adoption two step continues - two steps forward, one step back.

The other woman

There were other women before me. First there was her first mommy. The woman whose voice she recognized when she was born. The woman whose voice was silenced when she was left on a corner in Xuchang city. Her first loss. Then there is the woman that she seems to want when she wakes up from a nap. Today for example. I knew when I walked into her room after she woke from a nap that it was going to be a boo hoo wake up time. There must have been a woman she really liked who came and got her after nap. This was her second loss. I wish I could talk to that woman who got her up after an afternoon nap.

So, today I talked to Amanda while she was crying. I know she didn't understand me but it went something like this:
"It isn't right you didn't get to grow up in China with your first mommy and daddy. It isn't right that you have to grow up in a country where most people don't look like you and you don't understand what anyone is saying. It isn't right that you had to leave everything you've ever known so that you could become part of a family..." We live in a broken world and this is some of the pain that is experienced by millions of children. Thank God that this world is not our home.

A time to grieve

Yesterday, Amanda woke up from her nap crying like she usually does, but this time, could not stop. She wouldn't drink her milk and was having temper tantrums. She would sit in my lap quietly crying until I said something to one of the boys and then she really started boo- hooing. I really believe she was grieving for all that she left behind. Yes, she's in a better place, but she has really left everything she has ever known including understanding what people are saying around her. Then, all of a sudden, she snapped out of it and went back to smiling and giggling. There's only been one other time like this before and there will be more to come. In the meantime, we just hold her.

When you have a little girl in your family, you wonder what she will be like. Will she be princess/ girly girl? Or will she be a little more rough and tumble? Here is Amanda aka girly girl with her little barrette:



And here is Amanda a little more rough and tumble. Can anyone say Benson dog pile?



The jury is still out. She does have 3 brothers so it really could go either way. She seems to be leaning more so to the very active little girl side. But I don't think it's going to stay that way. There's so much to see and so many new things to do. Also, a big part of it is joy. She has a lot of joy. She sometimes bursts with joy when I'm holding her as she squeals and she hugs my neck tightly. Now that is something to rejoice in.

Nervous Nelly

There's one thing (among many) that we've discovered about Amanda. She's afraid of all things natural. Based on her reactions to animals (both living and stuffed) and anything plant based, we tend to assume she didn't go outside much and didn't even see outside much. She looks outside a lot and things like the wind blowing through the trees sometimes makes her nervous. When we actually go outside, there is a lot for her to fear.



The trees make her afraid. They are big and tall and who knows what those leaves are going to do to you. We just get her under the tree and make her nervous. So, we let her touch it on her terms just to get her to understand that the tree will not harm her.



A new one yesterday was a leaf blowing across the sidewalk. Very scary. We had to stomp on it. She likes anything she can be dominate over- stuff she can whack with her little hand, but that big stuff - scarrrry! House plants are still a little nerve-wracking also. They sit up high above my kitchen cabinets. Very scary. She won't even touch those.

But, she does love clothes and accessories that make her feel pretty. Nothing to be scared of here:

A hard transition

Well, Amanda is on the mend and eating like a champ. She's still pretty limited in what she will eat, but she's eating a lot of it. Me (Beth) on the other hand is sick. I have been for two days now and it is not fun. I have no idea what I have but it involves a fever (which was a 1 1/2 day deal), a cough, and a general "I feel horrible". Brett stayed home yesterday and Monday since I had to bring Judah to a doctor's appointment in St. Paul. He needs a new back brace which is a day long adventure and I am having a lot of trouble co-ordinating things around here. I keep apologizing to Brett about his family being so overwhelming. It is overwhelming and I realize the man needs to work, but I need him here also. Things will calm down in a few months once every one is over the major medical appointments. I just don't want to be the next person to have to go to the doctor. I just don't have time or energy. AARRG!

Partial tests came back

This little sweetie who laughs and runs around the house and tends to not want to eat large quantities of food has a parasite called Giardia. It's common in parts of the world where they don't have a clean water supply. So, we're onto drug #2 which will prayerfully get rid of the latest creepy crawly. I can't wait to see what she's like when she feels good!

On other thoughts...as I was tickling Amanda and hearing her little laugh, I felt a little sad for another mother who will never know her daughter and that little laugh. For the loss of the other mother who will never be able to say, "she looks just like______". I wonder, does she look more like her mom or dad? What will that look like when she grows up? Did her Chinese mom sing to her when she was pregnant? Did she have hopes and dreams for her child? What were all the emotions surrounding her birth when the cleft lip/ cleft palate was discovered? All those little questions that have no answers. I hope and pray that the people who gave her life also know the One who gives eternal life because then someday, I will be able to introduce Amanda to the parents who cared enough to give her life and to leave her someplace she would be found. Now THAT will be a celebration worth seeing.

Welcome home Amanda, welcome home.